Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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