so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
