Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
