You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize