Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
