last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
