i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
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