My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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