Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize