I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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