I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
