On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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