Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
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