I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
