i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
