He kissed a someone with a penis
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
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