I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
