Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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