you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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