This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
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