Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I wish I only lived at night.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
