this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
