Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
