I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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