I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
