dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Randomize
