just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Randomize
