omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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