how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
