gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
