Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
