im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
