I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Randomize
