mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Randomize