My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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