He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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