Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
