I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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