In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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