I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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