brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
