do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
