based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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