Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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