gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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