my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize