it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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