I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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