capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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