were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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