Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Randomize
