she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
