Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize