god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Randomize
