I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
so much tequila, so little girl.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
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