Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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