You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
