Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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