90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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